Post retreat, I am enjoying learning about healing and actively taking part in it.

I am forever grateful for the the S.I.R.E.N. Project and their support team that has made this happen.

I feel that I need to give some context to my review and so I’m sharing some of my history. About 10 years ago, I had an extremely angry reaction with a friend that wasn’t called for. Fortunately, my very good friend was able to communicate with me to get past my rage, and not hold it against me. I realized after talking to her that I needed to make some changes in my life. So began the long journey. I’m a 64-year-old female retiree from both law-enforcement and the fire service: glutton for punishment, I know! My childhood history has trauma, sexual molestation, dysfunctional parents, and the loss of my very best friend.

In 1987, I was hired on with a Bay Area fire department. Back then there was only a handful of women in the Bay Area working as firefighters. I had no support with my family, no support with my coworkers and the public didn’t treat me too well either. I could not show weakness or pain from witnessing or dealing with any workplace trauma. After a couple years on with the fire department I started getting severely harassed by a coworker. In 1991 I left the fire service and got hired with a sheriffs department. About five years later, my old department consolidated and became a larger department, the harasser had left during that consolidation. At 37 I went through the whole testing process, got hired, went through the Academy, probation and everything all over again. I ended up retiring out as an engineer at 51.

I was too bitter and angry to stay any longer. I physically could’ve lasted a lot longer. I have tried talk therapy, different anti-depressants. Nothing worked. I knew I needed more; something dramatic. I heard about Plant medicine, and started researching it. I felt very strongly that this would be my path towards healing. I signed up with Maps, (multidisciplinary association for psychedelic studies, sponsored by NIH) many times. They are so overwhelmed with first responders and veterans with PTSD. I have a psychotherapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD, and she’s very supportive of me.

I saw the article in the San Jose Mercury news about The S.I.R.E.N. Project and was absolutely taken aback with joy and hope! I immediately emailed them. They approved for me to go to the retreat. I am forever grateful for the them and their support team that has made this happen. I didn’t realize how really damaged I have been. I was using alcohol to numb myself and caffeine to up myself. I have not been able to manage my relationships, male and female very well at all. I have had two divorces. The idea that I would be with fellow first responders was at once comforting, but at the same time anxiety inducing from all my past history. But, I knew that there would be a great support system with S.I.R.E.N.. I figured the first responders that were interested in this type of healing would be open to me and not critical.

I can’t emphasize enough that if somebody is at all considering to pursue this type of healing process that you should definitely feel confident with The S.I.R.E.N. Project and trust the medicine. My journey was difficult, and I have a long way to go from many years of pushing everything inside a little box within me and building a hell of a fortress around me. I always felt safe there and well cared for, and I have trust issues! I completely trust S.I.R.E.N. and all the People involved; from Dr. Andrea Lucie to the wonderful medicine man and women. The facilitator Matthew, (a soldier of healing and medicine). Everyone was so Giving, so supportive, including my other first responders going through the therapy with me. As a first responder, I find it very hard to take, but they give from pure joy, and from the love of helping and healing. 

The plant medicine is not to be taken lightly. There’s a lot of preparation before during and after. Post retreat, I am enjoying learning about healing and actively taking part in it.

I can say that I’m engaging in the world again, I’m not filled with rage. Not wanting to isolate. I’m getting my creative edge back. I’m hopeful that one day this will be a standard course in healing/therapy for our first responders, or for that point anybody with PTSD/trauma issues.

Lisa Feldman ret/Engineer